How I perceive my autism
Though it does present challenges to my ease of integration into society, I do not see my autism as a disability in it’s own right. It’s just a different foundation of experiencing and processing reality, which has different strengths and weaknesses. I enjoy being autistic. I play to my strengths, and I’ve recently come to be more accepting and kinder to myself regarding the areas of life where I struggle.
I think it’s great that we live in a world that is so diverse in so many ways. I think our differences should be celebrated; we should celebrate one another, and celebrate ourselves. We are all amazing.
Differences in perspective
You could read every book there is on autism, but if you are neurotypical, you will never understand exactly what it is like to be autistic. Similarly, I will never know exactly what it is like to be neurotypical. All we can do is estimate to the best of our ability given all available information.
There are so many things that I observe neurotypical people doing, and patterns of behaviour that I can even understand on a logical level, but still seem very strange and unnatural to me. Some of them I try to mimic just to help me fit in (this is known as masking), but I always feel awkward doing so. It can be easy for me to feel frustrated by people doing things and thinking in ways that don’t make sense to me, but I’ve learnt to accept that there will be differences, and I’m not always going to understand them. I’m sure that I have been similarly frustrating to people with some of my ways of thinking and going about things.
I think that it’s important to keep an awareness that the way we experience reality isn’t necessarily going to be comparable to the way someone else does, and as a result we all see things differently, we all think differently, and we all come to different conclusions. And that is fine. I think we should all try to be more tolerant, understanding and considerate not only of our basic differences, but of the ways in which these basic differences manifest.
Be aware that I am probably masking
When I’m engaging with you socially, I may appear to behave in a normal way, but this is not my intuitive way of being. Behind the scenes, my brain is busy running many algorithms to control my behaviour in order to blend in with social norms and the context of the situation. As a result, I generally expend a lot more energy on basic social function than a neurotypical person would, and as a result, burn out more quickly.
The ideal situation for me would be that my friends accept me for who I am, without the need for me to mask at all, but it does take a long time for me to be able to feel that relaxed around someone, as my mask is also my guard: As well as performing the function of helping me to generally blend in, it filters what I reveal about myself. As I intuitively have a limited gauge on what is acceptable in society, I have learnt (the hard way!) that I need to be careful about what things I reveal about myself, and how I reveal them, in order to avoid misinterpretation and misunderstanding.
As an extension of this point, bear in mind that if you would like to get to know me better, it would make things easier for me, for you to drop your own social filters first, and let me gauge directly from what I see, what is acceptable to you personally. This would take a lot of the guesswork out of the equation for me, and would free up the mental and emotional resources that I would otherwise be spending on processing these things!
You’ll get the best experience of me in one-to-one or small group hangouts
Most of you that know me, know that I do like to party, but I can find busy social environments overstimulating, and exhausting of my mental and emotional resources.
In a party situation with lots of people, I will likely be masking/filtering myself heavily. This is an active process that consumes a lot of energy, so it also means that I’ll have less available resources to make meaningful contributions towards conversation. I may appear withdrawn in these situations, but I’m probably just overwhelmed by all of the information that I’m having to process.
Get me on my own, or in a very small group, and I will be more relaxed, and you may get to see more of my true self.
Try not to make assumptions about me or my intentions
If I do or say something that sounds odd or inappropriate, try not to jump to conclusions. It may just be a result of an underdeveloped social skill, or an aspect of my masking script that I’m still ironing out or that I haven’t gotten around to addressing yet.
If you are unsure about anything, just ask. I’d be more than happy to clarify, and it would aid my understanding of how I am perceived by others. Learning how to integrate is an ongoing process for me, and I’m adjusting my masking scripts all the time.
Try not to overwhelm me
Managing my time, energy and other resources is extremely difficult for me, and consumes a lot of resources in itself. If I have too many active processes running in my head, I can feel overloaded and unable to function. When I encounter one of these overloaded states, it can take me a long time to return to a state of efficient functioning, especially if more things that I have to deal with or process are being piled up in the meantime. During this time, I may withdraw socially, and take a much longer time to reply to messages, so please be patient with me.
For me to operate efficiently, I need to maintain a degree of mental headroom, and my threshold is significantly lower than it seems to be for a lot of other people.
You can help me manage this by trying not to make too many plans with me all at once. If you can, space out any plans so that at any given time, I only have one upcoming thing with you. My calendar goes a long way to help plan my time, but it does not help at all with managing my physical, mental or emotional energy.
If you make lots of plans with me at once, you will be spreading my resources thin, and you will get a diluted experience of my friendship. Allow me plenty of breathing space, and you will get premium Angel.
When making suggestions for plans with me, give me plenty of notice and some time to make a decision
I can immediately tell you if it’s something that would interest me, but don’t expect me to commit to a plan straight away. I usually need some time to process it’s cost in terms of time, energy, and other resources, and balance it against other things that are going on in my life or impending that might have to take priority.
I don’t like to commit to something before I’ve had time to properly process it, because it puts me in an uncomfortable position if I later have to back out and let people down.
I prefer direct communication over hints
I am capable of reading between the lines, but it is mentally taxing for me, and can sometimes be problematic when there is a margin of ambiguity. Wherever possible, please consider engaging with me via direct verbal communication. Take some of the guesswork out of our friendship for me! I understand that this isn’t always possible, and that there is sometimes an element of social politics to factor in.
I’m okay with you making fun of my autism
I speak only for myself of course, but if you’re the kind of person whose sense of humour is that way inclined, I have no problem with light-hearted banter targeting my autism. Here are some benefits to it, as I see it:
- It’s a casual way of showing me that you recognize our differences while also accepting me.
- It reinforces a sense of comradery if you happen to also be neurodivergent.
- If you are neurotypical, I enjoy the irony that the joke is really on you, as being autistic is actually so much better. 😜
Avoid asking me for favours
If I feel that I am able to help you with something, I will gladly offer, but unless it’s something massively urgent and you have no alternative options, please don’t ask me. I am specifically very uncomfortable being put on the spot, and it’s likely that even if I have the resources available to help you, there are a number of other things that I really could do with spending them on.
Some reasons that I am uncomfortable being asked for favours are:
- My sacrificing time and energy to help someone is a greater sacrifice than it would be for a neurotypical person, because I have less available resources to spare.
- I tend to over-analyse the transactional nature of social obligations, and this taxes my already overworked brain.
- I dislike being put on the spot because it takes me time to fully process the request and analyse not only my willingness, but my capability in terms of available resources.
- I feel put at a disadvantage as I lack the social skills and range of expression to easily politely decline.
Be aware that I have difficulty expressing myself with body language, tone of voice and facial expressions
I am actually a very expressive person, but the ways that I intuitively express myself may not be immediately obvious.
I have a naturally monotone voice. Pitch variation does not feel intuitive to me, and takes me a lot of effort to employ.
It feels very awkward, comparable to having to sing every sentence!
Just let that last sentence sink in for a moment, and imagine how draining that is for me! (and pitch variation is just one of a whole number of masking processes that I have to actively employ!)
Sometimes I’ll try really hard, and still find that the resulting tone is somewhat flat.
As a result, I’ve found that sometimes people can’t tell when I’m enthusiastic about something, or if something I said was meant jokingly.
Similarly, employing gestures and facial expressions can feel like having to go through a dance routine to accompany the song that I’m singing. I will do it, but it can sometimes make me feel very self conscious, and even at my most animated, I feel quite limited in my range of expression.
So, try not to assume that I am feeling unenthusiastic about something, if that’s what presents, and bear in mind that that outside-of-the-box wackjob notion that I presented so dryly may actually just have been a joke.