Being neurodivergent comes along with many challenges; a couple of key ones for me being difficulty managing my energy and emotional resources, and suffering from a lack of motivation that comes along with not getting enough dopamine to give me that much needed sense of reward to look forward to after a job has been done.
And so, mid-April of the glorious year, 2022, I found myself trying to work in my studio, and it dawned on me: “No wonder I’m struggling to work, my studio is a complete mess!”
You see, my studio had been in a transitional state since before Christmas when I had started redecorating, and didn’t have the energy to finish. I’d left it that way so long, that I forgot that I was even in the middle of decorating. I had come to accept everything in this room simply as the way that the room is. This included things that I need access to being packed away in unlabeled boxes, my vocal isolation booth being reduced to the function of a junk storage closet, bare walls where shelves should be, and many more things that were just impractical and/or unsightly.
It was time to make a change!
With the helpful encouragement of my girlfriend, I set about getting my studio back in order, starting with the wall shelves that I’d already bought and were just waiting for me to put up. Once the shelves were up, my enthusiasm for completing the redecoration project gained momentum, and by the evening of the 18th of April, I had finally got things to a state that felt homely, inspiring to work in, and conducive to the kind of work that I do.
Getting this done was such a mammoth job that I’d been putting off for months. Just sitting in my studio and looking around at what I had achieved gave me a euphoric high.
Is this what dopamine feels like?
Is this how God felt on the seventh day?
I was buzzing from the sense of achievement, and in that instant, I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to sleep that night.
I had some acid in the fridge. Why not?
Drop time: 1:12AM on Tuesday 19th April 2022
At around 5 in the morning, it occured to me what day it was: Bicycle Day!!
On the 19th of April of the year 1943, Swiss chemist, Albert Hofmann rode his bike home after ingesting a psychedelic substance of his own creation, Lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD). This was the first recorded acid trip in history, and the anniversary of LSDs discovery is celebrated amongst the psychedelic community, and known as ‘Bicycle Day’.
I had totally not planned my own trip to coincide with this date. My decision to take the acid was very spontaneous. Could it have come from the seed of a subconscious awareness? Possibly. Could it be that everything in the universe is connected, and this was just a superficial manifestation of that underlying connection? Not ruling it out.
I decided to go out for a walk, as it seemed to be a nice sunny morning. As I left my flat, I passed my girlfriend’s bike that was in the hallway. I chuckled a little.
I considered borrowing it to go out for a cycle ride, just as a sentimental experience, to connect with my psychedelic roots. But I remembered that the bike wasn’t properly set up yet, and would require a bit of fiddling to make it safe to ride. Nope!
Along my walk, I passed many people riding bikes. Now I know that there are people out there riding bikes all the time, but under the effects of the acid, every instance of encountering someone riding one was made to feel somewhat significant!
I got to a particularly pleasant area, a boardwalk over a marshland. I noticed the ‘No Cycling’ sign at the entrance, and this also made me chuckle.
It was absolutely beautiful and serene in this area. No one else was around at this time in the morning. The birds were chirping happily. I felt oneness with nature.
I got home, and the urge took me to write some poetry. I have this antique typewriter, that just happened to be out on the table ready for me to get to it.
I put on some music (orchestral renditions of pieces from various Final Fantasy soundtracks) and sat down with a cup of tea to get started. I was feeling very peaceful, relaxed and happy as I typed away.
This is what I wrote:
And here it is in it’s edited/text form:
SEVERANCE Silently drifting Under the mechanism of Doubt Triumphant rejoicing haunts the brazen sky Following into remembrance, our pages cascade Tumble shades and beating blades shimmer from the call A wounded world licks its trophy The glimmer-gold matrix marks the bounds of natural law Assorted shreds of plastic animals Beloved shapes of creation, reimagined as horrendous beauty Swept up and dusted aside Just an abstract blur or backing hue Swirling past a more meaningful story A collection of bones before the altar, trembling from internal bliss Commitment and binding, a future of untold mystery Sorrow and voices, black from the morning strand Witches left alive only to stand before the enumerated force There is no fight For everything in this world is at peace And at once, perfect The sublime torment of love casts cruel comforts amongst the devoted And time, idling by, mocks the notion of persistence We count the clicks, falling back at every stroke Choking on the rickety crown of history As our lie gains enough momentum to give a convincing account of what actually transpired And command us in self-assured conviction of righteous intent To only be what has function in their eyes Diluted now by the hazey sunbeams On a lazy tuesday of crazy funbeams Forgiving the virtues of a wavy state Cubes of fortune, rolled to determine fate This dog barks at heaven This shark bites the number seven This voice penetrates the divine Leaving hollow, the dawn of spiritual breaking Awakening from a different obelisk Broken asunder, our bodies forsaken Thousands of cracked shells for the pompous to circumvent Or to callus their toes as scars of pride Back to the altar now Juliette is slurring her vows A promise to her reluctant soul, to give herself away To reject her own identity for the sake of simplicity To give up the effort to live true And to not have to hurt To not have to hurt To never have to hurt Again
What does it mean?
Well, I think it was me processing some of the ways I seem to differ from other people, specifically in terms of personal values and intentions, as well as some of the frustrations and resentments that I have relating to society and how I am perceived and treated by others.
I think it’s about giving up awareness and potential as a defense mechanism. It’s about crumbling under the pressure of societal expectations, and giving up core freedoms for the sake of avoiding the pain and resistance that come with the territory of speaking your truth and standing up for your values.
I realized through writing this poem that I no longer see it justified to play the game by a set of rules that were created to favour players that have more common strengths and abilities.
I need to sever myself from those rules, and create ones of my own, that align with my values, and that give me a fighting chance of achieving the things that I want to achieve.