Even though nothing massively terrible happened today, something has triggered some weird thoughts and feelings, which are something along the lines of observing the drudgery of life, feeling out of place, not knowing what to do with myself.
Most of my existence is basically just entertaining myself with passive or semi-active activities like television, video games, and indulging whatever interests and hobbies are currently in phase. I do find meaning in these things, and I allow them and the experiences I have with them to inform and inspire my creative pursuits which feel like the main contribution to my legacy, and in my perception of the grander meaning of my function within the universe, the more ‘serious’ aspect of the things that I do.
I do sometimes however have to question not only what I am actually achieving, but what I think I am achieving, and what I think I’m trying to achieve.
I have to question these things, even though I know (or at least I think I do)
I like who I am, and what I do, but it just feels weirdly pointless sometimes, like my identity is just it’s own little thing floating about in a vast vacuum of nothingness.
Can you have a vacuum of anything other than nothingness?
…And as amazing as I consider my identity in its own right, the fact that I dislike so much of the context of society that it exists within, in some ways means that I may as well be anything other than myself.
…But being an introvert, I experience myself as if it was its own universe.
There is a natural tendency towards growth and evolution, but to expand beyond the horizons of my identity, at least in the obvious way, involves becoming a unit of society…
And there is so much that I hate about society!
I dunno, ‘hate’ is a strong word. Do you really want to be using it?
Let’s get this straight. I have very strong core values, and as much as I’d like to say that amongst them, I feel that hate is never the answer, and for the most part this is true, my core values allow for my expression of what I am feeling.
Maybe I could say “Acting upon hate is never the answer”, but expressing that feeling is still acting upon it, and sometimes expressing what you are feeling is the answer, or at least a step towards it.
Sometimes not fully acknowledging a feeling can lead to repression of that feeling. And what is a feeling?
A feeling is your body, or subconscious mind communicating with you.
Do you really want to be ignoring an important communication from the most important person in your life?
Have you ever experienced being ignored or overlooked by someone? Of course you have. You know what it feels like. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hate can be a dark emotion, yes, but if its what you feel, then its what you feel, and no amount of looking the other way is going to change it’s nature.
Its probably better to acknowledge it, and to open a channel of communication with it, than it is to leave it to fester on its own. Right?
It is a part of yourself after all.
What happens when we disown parts of our identity?
…You in the front?
We become fragmented?
Correct!
And furthermore, this fragmentation of self leads to the decay of our integrity.
The sad thing is, it has already happened to so many of us.